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First Steps
(A Brief Summary of (the Beginning of) My Spiritual Journey)
by Ankur - written in 2007
I was a spectator, not only of the spectacular crescendo of explosions that
enlightened the Thames in the first minutes of the 21st century, but I was a spectator in my life too. Just watching it bounce along in no particular direction.
Of course I did have direction, but it was from work and others. My life was being directed by others; I was just fitting in, to their show. What was
I getting out of my life? Where was I going?
I was a bank manager. A hard working, focussed, stressed and thoroughly pissed-off bank manager. I had a
‘good’ job and I played hard too, but I was (very) slow in realising that I didn’t have a Life. I was merely a distant and powerless observer
of my existence, as it slid aimlessly down a slippery slope - devoid of feeling, unknown to joy, and had never been truly ’in love’. And I was a
complete stranger to the values of peace and fulfilment. Plus I was lost in the maze that is the corporate jungle!
And then it all changed.
Within months I had a choice to make. Move to another role with the bank or
take a redundancy. I thought, I analysed (’cos that’s what I did best), I thought again, and from somewhere I found uncertain courage to take the
money and run. And run I did. Well actually I stumbled a bit at first. But once in my stride I ran and ran and ran. For six years, through over 50 countries and
across six continents (Antarctica still eludes me).
Along the way I ended up in India and thought that I would take in an ’ashram’ for a week
just because... well, to see what it was like and to try something different (I had never meditated before). And luckily I found a fellow traveller to drag me
along to one (which turned out to be the Osho International Meditation Resort in Pune), although not without a stack of reservations on my part... about...
everything.
So what was it like?
Like getting up at 5.30am to do a one-hour very
active meditation, then a shower, then a one-hour very silent meditation, and that was all before breakfast. And then meditate some more during the
morning, more in the afternoon and some more in the evening. And they were the easy bits! I struggled with the numerous petty rules - you must wear a robe, and
it must be this colour during the day and this colour in the evening (more stuff to buy), and only this colour trunks in the swimming pool! and use this payment
card in the day but only this one in the evening and... AAAAAAARGGG! Plus it was very expensive by Indian standards and I was a backpacker on a budget. Now
suddenly submerged and lost in a bewildering world, rules stalked me - openly, money flowed worryingly quickly from ATM to ashram, and the only thing I was
’Being’ was totally confused. For five long days I fought and struggled bravely with these multi-headed monsters. And then tragedy! I was shocked to
learn that my mind, which I had considered to be my ultra reliable and dependable sidekick ’til then, was actually the sworn enemy of meditation and
even that it wasn’t me at all! By now my world was gyrating uncertainly.
Sure, there was value in the meditations, and some of the multitude of
multi-day courses looked good if I could only understand what they were all about, but they were sooooo expensive! and anyway, I was only there a week, so
no time for that. But it was playing on my mind - if indeed it was MY mind? Confusion reigned.
I was just about to book my tickets for ’elsewhere’ when my
resistance suddenly ceased! It was the calm after the storm. OK so maybe the clothes weren’t totally ridiculous and everyone else wore them, and
besides I had bought them now. And comparing the ashram prices to those in UK made it a little easier to swallow. In these terms, maybe it wasn’t sooo bad.
But that lead to a new dis-ease around there being nothing now to stop me carrying on and ’doing stuff’ here. The meditating felt good, and I
somehow felt a desperate need to do these courses. And I realised I needed some help, so ’I’ could look at ‘me’ - was this a ridiculous
concept? Could I really broaden my vision and shed the narrow view I had held all my life? And for the first time ever, could I challenge myself, challenge what I
thought, connect with my feelings, have emotions, feel true love and discover who I really was? Now I was getting scared!
And that is when my journey really began.
I stayed a month, I had to
move on because my visa was running out, but the seed had been sewn and I had taken a new name, Ankur (meaning 'new growth'). I had only scratched the surface,
but at least I now knew where to dig. And just 12 months later I was back, this time for four months. Many hours of meditation, numerous courses, much pain
and self-discovery later I emerged a very different person: with emotion, with a heart, with an awareness of true self and a new level of self-esteem. I experienced
the qualities of joy, peace and total fulfilment that are my true self and can just feel how incredible it is to be in that space. I was not complete though, these
were just the first few steps, but I had found a path.
And as well as going back to that ashram, further steps on my journey have
included studying NLP, Life Coaching and Enlightenment Intensive work which I now combine with my experience for my new roles in life, as a Spiritual Life Change
Coach and Meditation Teacher - my path it seems, is also to help others discover themselves.
So am I still a spectator of my life? Yes, I certainly am. But I am
no longer looking from afar. I am looking from the inside, at the inside, aware of who I am and how I feel in every moment (well, most of them); and I realise
that I am responsible for my own feelings and behaviour and I have real choices about my future. I am finally scripting my own show.
Now with new Openness and Awareness, I constantly seek the courage to Allow and
Accept whatever is there. Just trying to be connected with myself and be real in every moment is an enormous challenge, which I relish simply because I can feel
the benefits in every moment. I create my own reality and my intention is always to do that from the blissful space of my True Self.
For more information about my inner and outer journey see
Ankur’s Personal Blog - Travel and Transformation.
Best Wishes for Your Journey,
Love
Ankur
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Ankur transformed from a sceptical City Bank Manager to a Spiritual Coach, Meditation
teacher and Workshop Facilitator over a 7-year period of travel and intensive personal
self-development work. He left the bank in 2000 with the simple thought ’there must
be more to life’ and started to look for something different. After several years
travelling, he stumbled upon an ashram in India and decided to give meditation a try.
Realising that there really was something more, he embarked on several years of deep
work which brought him a new view of the world, including a direct experience of his
true self and an abundance of the inner qualities of peace, joy, love and total fulfilment
! This brought him a new level of freedom and choice about how he now lives his life.